Holler folk are generally shy of allowing any single political label to be attached to them. That doesn’t mean they don’t have an opinion, it’s just that political labels are too damn confusing. And so, with the help of Harry, the saponifying boy wonder at Vermont Soapworks, here is a handy holler guide to political labels:

Progressives want to go forward, to move things along. They want to progress, and move into the future. But many Holler folk consistently advocate for a step backwards to a smaller and more sustainable scale. This definitely makes them Regressives.

Conservative should mean they want to conserve more. Conserve our ecological and financial resources. Be prudent and thoughtful in all actions. That would make them Regressives too. In fact Conservatives want to liberalize the laws controlling big business and big government. That is why they are in reality Progressive Liberals.

Liberals think they want to live out on their land and let everyone else live pretty much as they wish (no fighting no biting!), that makes them Regressive Conservatives too. They want Government to make sure the playing field is level for everyone, whether you need it to be or not. This makes them Socialists. But they also want less direct government control in their lives. This makes them Right Wingers. Go Left enough, and you find a Closet Righty.

Democrats imagine they represent the sensible middle road (in the status quo). This makes them boring. Wake me up if they have an original thought. Democrats have an amazing way of promoting the same globalization agenda as the Republicans. That makes them, well, Republicans.

Republicans used to represent Main Street America: Work hard, pay your taxes, help your neighbor. Now Republicanism just scares me. Unless you are white, upper middle class, and believe that Christian America has a God given right to world domination and exploitation of the people and resources of our planet, what are you doing with these bums? I just don’t get how it is we only have two real political parties in this country anyway.

Since they are one with Corporate America now, that makes them Businesscrats, and Businesscrats want to eat up the world. That makes them Eco-cancer. Now neither my officially Democrat nor professed Republican friends consider themselves Eco-cancer. And yet, aren’t all of us, present writer included, part of the problem by participating in the consumer culture, and accepting current fashions of excess everything?

These essays were written for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of Vermont Soap, its employees, board of directors, our Web host, Web designer, the neighbors who live up the road; or any of the thousands of people who use our stuff. Originally published in edited form by Comic News. Many thanks to Seasoned Books, without which, life in the Holler may never have become a reality.