Here at Holler Central we seek to provide consistent answers to incessant questions. Not only mundane issues like: “Are we there yet?” or “When are we leaving?” but also arcane metaphysical questions like: “Who’s going to clean up this mess?” and “Are we really out of beer again?” One issue very much on the minds of Vermonters everywhere is the gentrification of Vermont. No, not geriatrics—that is another Holler. What we are talking about here is the fact that every shack with a view and even a hint of the type of New England schmaltz promoted by your taxpayer subsidized Vermont Life Magazine and its clones. Land prices have doubled in the past 5 years. People are building houses in places God never meant man to lay his head. Pay rates have barely moved in 5 years, yet the influx of capital from the Flatlands has driven housing prices out of reach for normal working folk. Try to sight a trailer park and listen to them scream. So where are the real Vermonters and their offspring to live?

In true Holler out-of-the-box thinking style, we have come up with a win-win solution: Enact a residency requirement for those who wish to own property here. Since it is a well-known fact that it takes 5 years to shake off the dust of civilization, (if it is ever coming off), I propose a 5-year cooling off period before anyone is eligible for land ownership. Then they can decide if they are up to our winter and mud seasons. I have never understood why people leave the Flatlands in search of something better, only to recreate the same screwed up way of life they came here to get away from in the first place. Seriously! We don’t care how you did things back in Connecticut. If you miss it so much go back there!

Message to the world: Vermont was not put here as your personal adult playground. Real people live and die real lives here. It’s the tourist who forgets to leave, not the old farmer, who’s out of place. Since the only current minimum requirement for residency is the ability to pay the mortgage, the residency requirement for land ownership is more important than ever. This is similar to the idea that any damn fool can make a baby. Again, there are no minimum requirements at present. At least in buying land you have to prove financial solvency.

Not so in accumulating children. Like the man said, any damn fool can do it. And they do—again and again. How about a minimum residency requirement to be a parent—say 25 years on this planet. This makes sense since it’s extremely rare for anyone under the age of 25 to be able to clean their own toilet, let alone balance a checkbook.

These essays were written for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of Vermont Soap, its employees, board of directors, our Web host, Web designer, the neighbors who live up the road; or any of the thousands of people who use our stuff. Originally published in edited form by Comic News. Many thanks to Seasoned Books, without which, life in the Holler may never have become a reality.