As Winter sets in up in the Hollows, the topic of conversation is inevitably focused on the weather. Only after the obligatory "Cold enough for you?"; followed by a comparison of local thermometer readings, and comments on the prognosis for the next few days, does anything much else come into the conversation. Oh, I love the changing seasons of Vermont with a passion; Vermont is beautiful ANY time of year. But, can't we talk about something else? Please?

"Vermont is my lover", I once told a flatcountry friend. "But she is a harsh mistress".

Funny how the foreign (non local) plates disappear when the last leaves hit the ground late October. They never see those long vistas finally open up. The lay of the land becomes visible, an Ansel Adams shot at every turn. Perhaps it is the abrupt change from a world of color to a world of black and white that causes the tourists to travel on. It is shocking to the system. But to the locals, Bare Tree Season (the month or so between Leaf Peeping Season and Ski Season), is a very special and personal time. Extraordinary beauty, free for the taking, and noticed only by the stalwart locals. A gift, for having braved roads filled with color shocked tourists.

Soon the snow comes, adding a cleanness and sharpness to the landscape. Vermont becomes a Winter world of cold, clear, refreshing beauty. But, will we soon be getting too much of a good thing? All this talk of weather gets me thinking about global warming and global cooling. And, because this is a complex and scientific issue, I have prepared a Handy Holler Guide to How this Global Heating/Cooling Thing Works. Why do you need to know? Because one day soon, it may whup you upside the head worse than a widowmaker in February (a big loose branch high up in a tree that falls within earshot of any human). Translation: This may really suck.

Most life exists in a relatively narrow temperature and moisture zone on the surface of our planet. Fortunately for us, a series of feedback loops governs the global climate. One of these feedback loops is an underwater thermal conductor; a giant river 40 times larger than all the rivers on land put together. There are actually several of these giant underwater rivers circumnavigating the globe, and they play a key role in maintaining the current balmy temps that our very own Western civilization has flourished in.

Now the thing is, salty water has different properties than fresh water. It holds heat more effectively for one. And it has a different density, as anyone who has swam in both fresh and salty water the same day can testify.

The current we call the Gulf Stream originates as a giant underwater whirlpool off the tip of Greenland. Knowing this, it is no wonder our ancestors thought there were sea monsters at the edge of the world! This water plunges deeply, and travels down the coast of Africa and around to the warmer and shallower Indian Ocean. There it surfaces and warms considerably, before looping back around, and traveling up the eastern coast of the United States, and across towards the UK, before plunging back downward and doing it all again. It is this thermo-conveyor belt that keeps the eastern US (and most of Europe) from having the same basic weather as Siberia.

The conveyor is not constant however. It is regulated by the saltiness of the water. Here’s how it works: warming temperatures melt the fresh water stored in glaciers and the Arctic ice cap. As the fresh water replaces salty water, the current slows. This cools the northern hemisphere down considerably, which freezes the Arctic back up again, locking up all that fresh water, and reinvigorating the current. Eventually, this melts the ice and so on. An ancient cycle of warming and cooling, with major events occurring every five to six thousand years or so, and minor ones every 500 to 1,000 years (give or take). Oh, there is a bunch of other factors influencing global weather: greenhouse gases from natural or man made occurrences, light reflection, Antarctic oceanic currents, asteroids, tree clearing—you name it. But now at least, you understand how the basic mechanism works.

The northern hemisphere finished a mini ice age just 200 years ago. Remember that famous tough winter at Valley Forge. Those boys weren’t just whining. Winters were more severe back then. Normally, we might have been able to relax into another 300 to 500 years of warm long growing seasons and mild winters. However, we may just have screwed things up enough with our very own greenhouse gas releases to push up the whole timetable. Instead of wondering where to put the swimming pool, we, we might be better of with a greenhouse and root cellar. It may have been the combination of cutting down the forests, and our constant fouling up the air. Maybe all those miles of concrete had something to do with it. Whatever the combination of factors, things are happening much faster than previously predicted. The Antarctic Ice Shelf is now melting. The shit is heading towards the fan.

It is not impossible to imagine a major climactic incident messing up everyone’s vacation plans within our very own lifetimes. That is soon as in, any time after 2012 is fair game. We—you, me, and everyone reading these words, may well be around to see a great thinning of the herd. The death of billions of people, and the end of life in America as we know it. A few of us, fewer than we may expect; may get the chance to see our grandchildren start out fresh. The lessons we teach them, may well determine the future course of Western civilization.

The American expectation that each nuclear family requires its own complete set of everything under the sun, is wasteful and unrealistic. The mantra of constant growth is just as unrealistic. Organic growth is the goal. We all want to win. Staying sane and promoting Life is definitely part of winning. To gain the world, and lose one’s soul in the process is no win at all. Ultimately, we lose the world as well

These essays were written for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of Vermont Soap, its employees, board of directors, our Web host, Web designer, the neighbors who live up the road; or any of the thousands of people who use our stuff. Originally published in edited form by Comic News. Many thanks to Seasoned Books, without which, life in the Holler may never have become a reality.